You Tell Me I'm Stubborn

You tell me I'm stubborn. I can almost imagine that I hear frustration in your voice. Yet it is loving frustration, and I have no doubt that you do still love me in spite of my faults (which are many). Stubbornness just happens to be the one that rears its head most often to those who know me best. You say, "Maybe if you weren't so stubborn..."

So I think about it. What if I wasn't so stubborn? I wouldn't be so prideful. I wouldn't always think that I knew what to do in every situation. I wouldn't have an explanation for everything. I wouldn't see the world from the confines of my little box. I would be much more humble.

The worst part of my stubbornness is when it refuses to let go of fear. 

This shows lack of trust. 

Trust in God that He knows what is best for me. Trust in myself that I need to follow my conscience to do what is right even when it's hard or it might hurt. 

No matter how logical or wise you are as you bring different ideas to the table, to help me dispel my fears, the stubborn part of me still can't let go. "Get out there and DO something about it!" you say. "But... but... but...." whispers my stubbornness, and then a thousand explanations and reasons follow. 

I am afraid. 

Yet I am not alone.

This is where trust comes in. If anything can dispel fear, it is love, and with love comes trust, and humility, and peace.

Trust in God that He knows what is best for me. 

And I am so very loved by so many dear friends. 

If I wasn't stubborn, I would have floundered at age fifteen, age seventeen, eighteen, twenty, twenty-three... when my life's course seemed to falter, when I didn't know if I was on the right path. If I wasn't stubborn, I would have fallen prey to doubt when my beliefs were questioned over and over. If I wasn't stubborn, I would have been taken advantage of in many ways. If I wasn't stubborn, I wouldn't have the determination to be different: to not go to school, to become a musician, to become a teacher, to take good advice against the wishes of my heart because I knew it WAS good advice, to love without the assurance of being loved back. I've followed my dreams despite the odds. I am a stronger person for the obstacles I've overcome. So stubbornness can be a blessing, too, when it is used in the right way. 

How about I strive for stubborn love? For stubborn trust? For stubborn strength in living according to what is right, not according to what I want? For stubborn humbleness in seeing others as more important than myself? For stubborn compassion even when I'm pushed away?

It's time for peace as I enter this new stage of life. If I do not have peace in myself, then how can I bring peace to my new child?

Thanks for being a friend enough to tell me, lovingly, that I need to change, and that change is possible.

And thanks for not giving up on me, even when I'm stubborn. 

Instead of New Year's Resolutions...

There have been years where I made resolutions meant to begin on January 1st. The root of a personal goal should be to transform part of one's self into something more positive. Sometimes the intent is to bring good change into the world or another's life. Sometimes a personal goal may only involve yourself, which can entail changing a habit, forming a habit, etc. Everyone who makes New Year's resolutions has the intent of following through. But how many of us mere mortals are able to stick with ALL our goals and stay on track the entire year? The more dedicated may doggedly cling to them for a few months, or with a feat of super-human strength, pursue one particular objective until finished. 

I am not one of those people.

The best way for me to accomplish a goal is to have it be long-term, not very specific, and have many different strategies of achieving it. I've had the goal of studying children's education for over four years, which led to taking college classes on related subjects, teaching children as my job, investing in young people's lives and listening to their thoughts, visiting schools, and writing in the blog "Life Is the Teacher". There is no exact end to this goal. It seems like educational methods will be a never-ending study for me, especially since my own child will be born next year, Lord willing. And that's the joy of it: I don't HAVE to have an end to this quest. It can go on for as long as I am interested, willing to learn, and wish to bring information to others. 

In that light, I won't be making any New Year's resolutions. My history has proved me too lazy, too forgetful, too hasty, and/or too impatient for them. It's a bit disappointing, really. There's something so invigorating about establishing new dreams, committing to new aspirations. 

What I will be doing instead is choosing a word for 2012.

Within the past few weeks, a theme has begun to emerge. In my conversations, the books I read, the thoughts I ponder, the motif of TRUST has shyly crept forth. It's become obvious to me that I am sadly lacking in this area. This is partially due to past events that made it difficult for me to trust others easily (which is fear), but it is also because pride stands in the way of putting my trust in anything except myself. This has been a big hindrance in my relationship with God. And there are other places in my life where I can see that lack of trust has had a negative impact. That is the ugly side; the opposite of trust is doubt. With doubt comes skepticism, disbelief, confusion, chaos.

The bright future is this: I want to bring TRUST into my life in whatever ways will positively change me. This is my long-term goal for 2012, which is perfect since there are endless ways that the message of trust can effect me. I will be searching for it...

... as I meditate on Bible passages.

...as I talk with friends and family.

...as I write in my blogs or journal.

...as I walk through the world.

...as I create art.

...as I approach new experiences.

...as I listen.

...as I deal with old pain.

...as I learn how to walk with God.

...as I read books.

...as I admire beauty.

...as I let hindrances go. 

This theme of TRUST may speak loudly sometimes. Other times it may whisper. There is already some art forming in my mind that I'd like to bring into physical being, so that it can be a reminder around my home of the search for trust this year. I want to live with this word, hugging it so closely to myself that it becomes imprinted on my heart. 

Care to join? Is there a word that you want to explore?

Let me know!

If you want more ideas of what this is about, visit these articles:

http://www.messycanvas.com/2011/12/what-do-i-do-with-my-word/

http://aliedwards.com/2007/01/one-little-word-3.html

http://quinncreative.wordpress.com/2011/12/08/choosing-your-word/

http://bohemianbowmans.com/our-purposeful-word-for-2011/

http://moonsilk-stitches.blogspot.com/2011/12/intention-for-2012.html

http://bluetwigstudio.wordpress.com/2011/12/19/a-word-for-the-new-year/

Tired

Sometimes the upstairs neighbors sound like elephants, stomping around with trumpeting sounds of laughter and noise until three thirty in the morning, completely ruining any chance of sleeping for more than five minutes.

Sometimes you wake up hungry at four a.m. because pregnancy cravings for something to eat RIGHT NOW were too powerful for sleep.

Sometimes your partner has to wake up at five to be at work by six, even though you were both up with runny noses for most of the night.

Sometimes the mind runs at such a breakneck speed that it is impossible to turn off, like a t.v. endlessly running through channels with a broken remote, so you lie awake until dawn light begins seeping through the windows.

But then your shyest student breaks out of his shell to play an amazing new guitar composition he's been working on all week.

And then you come home after a long evening of teaching to the love of your life preparing a delicious cooked chicken and mashed potatoes for a cozy dinner.

And then you catch a much-needed nap with your love on a peaceful afternoon.

And then you get the Christmas tree, the tiny evergreen small enough to fit into an apartment, and it reminds you that the best part about December is Christ's coming.

Then you're not so tired.

The Philosophy of the Dandelion, the God of the Future, the Treasures Hidden Inside

"When first it was even hinted that the universe may not be a great design, but only a blind and indifferent growth, it ought to have been perceived instantly that this must for ever forbid any poet to retire to the green fields as to his home, or to look at the blue sky for his inspiration. There would be no more of any such traditional truth associated with green grass than with green rot or green rust; no more to be recalled by blue skies than by blue noses amputated in a freezing world of death. Poets, even Pagans, can only directly believe in Nature if they indirectly believe in God; if the second idea should really fade, the first is bound to follow sooner or later; and, merely out of a sad respect for human logic, I wish it had been sooner. Of course a man might have an almost animal appreciation of certain accidents of form or colour in a rock or a pool, as in a rag-bag or a dustbin; but that is not what the great poets or the great pagans meant by mysteries of Nature or the inspiration of the elemental powers. 


When there is no longer even a vague idea of purposes or presences, then the many-coloured forest really is a rag-bag and all the pageant of the dust only a dustbin. We can see this realisation creeping like a slow paralysis over all those of the newest poets who have not reacted towards religion. Their philosophy of the dandelion is not that all weeds are flowers; but rather that all flowers are weeds. Indeed it reaches to something like nightmare; as if Nature itself were unnatural. Perhaps that is why so many of them try desperately to write about machinery; touching which nobody has yet disputed the Argument from Design. No Darwin has yet maintained that motors began as scraps of metal, of which most happened to be scrapped; or that only those cars, which had grown a carburettor by accident, survived the struggle for life in Piccadilly. But whatever the reason, I have read modern poems obviously meant to make grass seem something merely scrubby and prickly and repugnant, like an unshaven chin." 
~ G.K. Chesterton




IF thou wouldst live unruffled by care,
Let not the past torment thee e'er;
As little as possible be thou annoy'd,
And let the present be ever enjoy'd;
Ne'er let thy breast with hate be supplied,
And to God the future confide.
~ Goethe

"As I sat there, I began thinking about the heart, the center of the person, the 'who' we are. I thought about how often I miss the heart of the person and instead focus on their behavior. How often have I looked at someone and made an immediate judgment? I have seen the cut of their hair, the clothes they wore, the language they used, tatoos or not and I made judgments. I have seen those who are overweight, the 'wrong' color, living in the wrong part of town and I have made judgments. I have looked at my own children and family focusing on behavior and never really reaching their heart. It is easy to judge. It is hard to lean in, to listen, to look past the behavior and seek understanding. To seek the heart.

I was reminded of the following:

- The heart is desparately wicked

- I will give you a new heart

- Out of the heart the mouth speaks

- If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart...

- The purposes of a person's heart are deep waters

And I considered how God seeks our hearts. He is after us. He desires intimacy and the knowing of our true self. He, like the Prodigal's Father, looks past behavior and longingly looks down the road for his lost son. His heart breaks as he searches for the hearts he loves.

I am asking God to help me see the hearts of my wife, my children, my friends, my co-workers. I want to discover the richness and treasures hidden inside."

~ Dwight Pond 

The Other Side of the Season's Change

More and more I find that connections are everywhere. All things are linked. All people are just a thought away from each other. How marvelous to be able to step into someone else's mind, to peer into the corners and examine the cupboards. It leads to understanding, or compassion, or further confusion, or revulsion. But what is so different about them from our own selves? The same reactions arise when we peruse the halls of our own minds. 

On this rainy day with autumn leaves falling, there is the reminder that we are all traveling on the same River. Although everyone has their own stops to make as the current carries them along, we all have the same final destination at the Sea. Life is too short to row with an oar marred by bitterness. 

There is so much joy in reconciliation. After a week, a year, or five years, standing face to face with mutual forgiveness, receiving a letter of kindness, hearing the words "let's try again", knowing that your past wrongs are not held against you: how much healing can take place when two people are willing to hold grace higher than themselves. Love triumphs over our own fallen natures when we look through Another's eyes.

Seeing the connections brings meaning. It might take a long time, maybe not even occur in my own life, but the meaning will eventually be known. We are all meaning-makers. We are all a created work. We are all in the process of creating. 

Yes, there is hardship, and times when we just don't understand why or what. I've often compared myself to a miniscule ant in the vast universe trying to lift a heavy crumb. But sometimes in the midst of my efforts a fresh breath of hope sweeps in to bring new life. This ant is going to keep pushing at crumbs.

LOOKING IN

Blue eyes are beautiful, as are brown; however,

your eyes reflect more deeply the colors of a storm at sea

in winter, which contains mud, kelp, swimming things, 
swirled wind of December.

Blue eyes are beautiful, as are brown; however,

your slate-grey glance is veiled; the weather

of emotions are only let loose purposefully.

Blue eyes are beautiful, as are brown; however,

your eyes reflect more deeply the colors of a storm at sea.

The Changing of the Seasons

There is time.

For everything there is a season.

My time was born. When will my time come to an end?

There is a time to plant seeds, and a time to admire the beautiful life that grew from them.

There are times of pain, and times of healing.

There is a time to bring an ending, and a time to begin afresh once more.

There is a time to weep for what was lost, and a time to sing in thankfulness for many blessings.

There is a time to sit in sorrow when the night is dark, and a time to dance again with the coming of the morning light.

There is a time to scatter the foundations, and a time to build the foundations back up.

There is a time to gather the ones you love close to you, and a time to sit alone.

There is a time to search with all your heart, and a time to realize that your seeking was in vain.

There is a time to keep what is dear close, and a time to relinquish that closeness.

There is a time to rip apart, and a time to repair.

There is a time to keep one's thoughts secret, and a time to finally step forward and speak boldly.

There is a time for loving, for love to overflow, and a time to cut off love.

There is a time for facing a battle bravely, and a time for peaceful reconciliation.

In the best intentions, there is selfishness. In the most upright of humankind, there is hidden sin. One may hold out mercy and kindness with their right hand while concealing injustice in their left. No good can come of expecting perfection in anything, whether fallen being or fallen world. Once more the golden calf comes crashing down.

I know that God has made everything according to his plan, which I cannot even begin to fathom, but I am still a frustrated tiny ant who does not understand why the crumb I want to carry will not budge.

There is a time for everything.

Numbering Our Days, Finding Our Wisdom: Part I

Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom. ~ Psalm 90:12

Old Orchard Church ©

Christ Jesus came into the world to save not the righteous, but sinners. He opposes himself to the proud, but gives grace to the humble. ~ Message of Mark 2

But we have turned away. Our race has become corrupt, and we have turned away from the glory of God.

What does the Lord require of his people?

Pure hearts... cravings to see righteousness- in ourselves, in the believing community, and in the world.

Compassion and real deeds of mercy toward the poor and the desperate.

Minds willing to go to their limits in thinking out the truth.

Love when it is hard and unrewarding.

Patience in the face of my weaknesses, my sins, and my limitations.

Patience in the face of the weakness of others.

Trust, gentleness, and self-sacrifice in our marriages and friendships.

The Lord asks of us that we give ourselves to him, in every single area of our life; that we trust him to change us, and not be overwhelmed by how far we have to go; that we live day by day in the joy of the Lord, and not in complaining...

The Lord requires of us that we believe what is true, and speak for it...

But we have failed much and often in these things.

Let God humiliate us then, by the power and purity of his righteousness, so that we might fly to Christ for safety; for his righteousness has become our own, through his suffering.

Mercy triumphs over judgement. ~ Mark 2:13b

Christ Jesus came into the world to save not the righteous, but sinners.

~ Excerpts from anonymous litany