Friday, March 23, 2012

You Tell Me I'm Stubborn

You tell me I'm stubborn. I can almost imagine that I hear frustration in your voice. Yet it is loving frustration, and I have no doubt that you do still love me in spite of my faults (which are many). Stubbornness just happens to be the one that rears its head most often to those who know me best. You say, "Maybe if you weren't so stubborn..."

So I think about it. What if I wasn't so stubborn? I wouldn't be so prideful. I wouldn't always think that I knew what to do in every situation. I wouldn't have an explanation for everything. I wouldn't see the world from the confines of my little box. I would be much more humble.

The worst part of my stubbornness is when it refuses to let go of fear. 

This shows lack of trust. 

Trust in God that He knows what is best for me. Trust in myself that I need to follow my conscience to do what is right even when it's hard or it might hurt. 

No matter how logical or wise you are as you bring different ideas to the table, to help me dispel my fears, the stubborn part of me still can't let go. "Get out there and DO something about it!" you say. "But... but... but...." whispers my stubbornness, and then a thousand explanations and reasons follow. 

I am afraid. 

Yet I am not alone.

This is where trust comes in. If anything can dispel fear, it is love, and with love comes trust, and humility, and peace.

Trust in God that He knows what is best for me. 

And I am so very loved by so many dear friends. 

If I wasn't stubborn, I would have floundered at age fifteen, age seventeen, eighteen, twenty, twenty-three... when my life's course seemed to falter, when I didn't know if I was on the right path. If I wasn't stubborn, I would have fallen prey to doubt when my beliefs were questioned over and over. If I wasn't stubborn, I would have been taken advantage of in many ways. If I wasn't stubborn, I wouldn't have the determination to be different: to not go to school, to become a musician, to become a teacher, to take good advice against the wishes of my heart because I knew it WAS good advice, to love without the assurance of being loved back. I've followed my dreams despite the odds. I am a stronger person for the obstacles I've overcome. So stubbornness can be a blessing, too, when it is used in the right way. 

How about I strive for stubborn love? For stubborn trust? For stubborn strength in living according to what is right, not according to what I want? For stubborn humbleness in seeing others as more important than myself? For stubborn compassion even when I'm pushed away?

It's time for peace as I enter this new stage of life. If I do not have peace in myself, then how can I bring peace to my new child?

Thanks for being a friend enough to tell me, lovingly, that I need to change, and that change is possible.

And thanks for not giving up on me, even when I'm stubborn. 

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