Friday, May 20, 2011

The Tiny Spark and the Weak Tree

My energy is slowly coming back. With its return is the renewed realization of the passions that make me who I am. I do not do well with half-heartedness. I want to be a beacon of truth, of kindness, of compassion. A help to those who are sorrowful or searching. How I want to be a fire.

But it seems that most of the time I am closer to being a tiny little flame almost ready to go out.

Sometimes it feels like I have gone out. Wrong behaviors are the winds that threaten to extinguish the flame. When my past is laid bare, I don't know how anyone, especially God, could possibly consider me a light of truth. I am, at best, a flickering spark.

When I think about the kind of fruit I'd like to show from my life's work, I feel ashamed, because only the opposite sort of fruit, the kind that might taste good at first but later prove to be deadly, seems to show in my life. Selfishness, fear, worry, bitterness, disdain for others, hypocrisy, self-righteousness, insecurity, lack of self-control... these Poison Fruit bring despair, and ultimately, death of self, in a physical, spiritual, and mental way. 

Yet when I stop trying on my own to fix everyone and everything, then I begin to understand where true strength comes from. A tree that bears good fruit is planted in a safe place, near the water of wisdom, away from things that will corrupt its fruit. Fortunately I know a Gardener who watches over his plants very carefully, not letting them be destroyed in spite of their own shortcomings. He provides supports for my frail limbs. The fruit I am able to bear is only due to his gentle tending.

So for now I am the Weak Tree and the Tiny Spark. Yet I am NOT content to stay this way.... I am always seeking to grow more branches, to add more fuel to the fire. Maybe my little flame will help ignite others to become light as well. Perhaps someone will taste a fruit from my work which will benefit them. Thanks be to God that I am not alone in these endeavors!

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